Cake or Bed?
A husband is at home watching a football match when his wife interrupts, ‘Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It’s been flickering for weeks now.’
He looks at her and says angrily, ‘Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have ‘Powergen’ written on my forehead? I don’t think so!’
‘Fine!’
Then the wife asks, ‘Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close right’
To which he replied, ‘Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have ‘Fridgidaire’ written on my forehead? I don’t think so!’
‘Fine!’ she says ‘Then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break’
‘I’m not a carpenter and I don’t want to fix steps’, he says, ‘does it look like I have ‘Taylor Woodrow’ written on my forehead? I don’t think so! I’ve had enough of this; I’m going to the pub!!!!’
So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours…………….
He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home. As he walks into the house he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
Honey, he asks, ‘How’d all this get fixed?’
She said, ‘well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.’
He said, ‘So what kind of cake did you bake?’
She replied, ‘Hellooooo.., do you see ‘Mr Kipling’ written on my forehead? I don’t think so!’
Theoretically and Realistically…
A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so he asks his father
“Hey Dad, what’s the difference between ‘theoretically’and ‘realistically’?”
His Dad thinks for a while and then says
“Right-o son…..go and ask your mother if she’d sleep with David Beckham for a million quid.”
The boy trots off and comes back saying
“Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds.”
“OK son,” says his dad. “Now go and ask your sister the same question.”
The boy toddles off, and comes back saying “Dad, dad, she said she would too!”
So then his dad says
“Right, son, now go and ask your elder brother if he’d sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds
The son comes back excitedly saying “Dad! Dad! He said he would too!”
“Well there you have it, son,” said his dad. Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid.
Realistically we’re living with two tarts and a poof !!
Does This Give a Clearer View of the Problem?
For anybody who doesn’t fully understand the current Euro situation, it is explained fully in the picture below.
The Euro Crisis
The Differences Between Men and Women
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman .
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
And finally…
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!
Men Are Just Happier People
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
- Your last name stays put.
- The garage is all yours.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- Chocolate is just another snack.
- You can be President.
- You can never be pregnant.
- You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
- You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
- The world is your urinal.
- You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
- You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
- Same work, more pay.
- Wrinkles add character.
- Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
- People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
- New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
- One mood all the time.
- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
- You know stuff about tanks.
- A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
- You can open all your own jars.
- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
- If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
- Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
- Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
- You almost never have strap problems in public.
- You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
- Everything on your face stays its original color.
- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
- You only have to shave your face and neck.
- You can play with toys all your life.
- One wallet and one pair of shoes – one color for all seasons.
- You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
- You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife.
- You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
- You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Apple Does it Again!
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.
The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.
This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts – and not listening to them.
How to Keep the Jehovahs Away
The perfect way for keeping those pesky Jehovah witnesses from knocking at your door…
Jehovah Repeller
Cherie Blair is Touring…
Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.
Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.
Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: ‘You get out and check – you were driving.. ‘
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
‘You were driving; go and tell the farmer, ‘ says Cherie.
Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.
‘My god, what happened to you?’ asks Cherie.
The chauffeur replies: ‘ When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me. ‘
‘What on earth did you say?’ asks Cherie. ‘I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them: ‘ I’m Cherie Blair’s chauffeur and I’ve just killed the cow.
Kicking the Animals
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
“Not yet,” said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
…Well, he’s a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
“How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.”
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “You gonna tell him or should I?”
When Tax Hurts the Government
I read an interesting article in one of the tabloids a few days ago and I must admit that it brightened my day somewhat. It is an article that just goes to show how dim-witted our government, (and to be fair I am not only on about the current government) and the cronies that head up the relevant ministries, are. It also goes to show that although they (the government) think we are all mugs, the mugs can actually bite back sometimes. Ah the joys…
But let me give you the gist of this article. The article was entitled “Petrol Slump” and had a sub-heading of “tax blow for Treasury as drivers cut back on fuel.” Oh yes, I think you know where I am going with this.
Apparently, according to an AA report, the sale of petrol fell by a staggering 2.4 billion (yes – billion, not million) litres in the first nine months of 2011. Now, I don’t know about you but I think that is an absolutely colossal drop in petrol sales. It also meant that the heads in the Treasury LOST £1.6 billion (yes – once again, billion, not million) in tax revenue. Yay.
Why yay? Well, here’s the thing; since last May (2011), the wholesale cost of petrol (oil?) had fallen by almost 25%, but the average pump price across the country had only fallen by 4%! It’s no surprise then that this AA report also found that 12% of drivers are planning to use their cars less this year (2012) meaning that George Osborne can expect more billions of tax revenue lost this year as well.
Now, you would think that in light of such figures the government would do the smart thing and reduce their tax levy on petrol? After all, take a look at these numbers I have come up with (just search the internet – they are readily available) in terms of the breakdown of a litre of unleaded:
- Price of litre at pumps: £132.9 pence
- Duty/tax: 57.95 pence
- Product: 47.8 pence
- VAT: 22.15 pence
- Retailer: 5 pence
In essence, the government’s cut from a litre of petrol is 57.95p (duty) + 22.15p (VAT) = 80.1 pence out of 132.9 pence! Astonishing! Even I didn’t realise it was that high before I did the research. Now, suppose the dim-wits reduced the duty by just 10 pence to 47 pence per litre, just those lost 2.4 billion litres (assuming that a 10 pence reduction would get drivers back in their cars and cover the shortfall in petrol sales), would generate an astonishing £1.12 billion. If they cut the duty by 15 pence the shortfall would still generate £1billion!
Doesn’t it, therefore, make so much sense to go down the road of reducing fuel tax and stimulating the market again, rather than pig-headedly forging ahead with high (and probably higher in the not too-distant future) petrol duty?
Anyway, at the end of the day, the article made me smile and I silently congratulated the powers-that-be who run our country on their outstanding grasp of economics.
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